No. 100 The Lifeguard

I was born in Leigh-on-Sea with a whole in my heart. My parents had encouraged me to swim (also recommended by Great Ormond Street) to help my hole in the heart close, and that bit worked, but when I got really good at swimming and was picked to swim for Southend-on-Sea, they weren’t able to attend the galas and I stopped, and then all I could think about was boys. My primary school friend wrote in my autograph book “If all the boys lived over the sea, what a good swimmer Lizzy would be” and I’ve swum and swum, in and out of relationships and into the waters of comedy in swimming pools.

Diving from Camberwell-on-Sea to Edinburgh-on-Sea and back to South London, buying a house with my life guard in Peckham-on-Sea, then I did a master’s degree on the psychosomatics of life and promiscuity, every symptom covered from physical to accidental, from eating disorder to environmental. My life guard and I were entwined in the embryonic sac of the Peckham Experiment, and then came the low tide and my mother died, and the experiment failed.

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